What kind of people do you surround yourself with? Are they positive, supportive, inspiring, equally as engaged in their pursuits as you are in yours?
Or are they negative, nay-sayers, people who always point out the difficulties of every scenario, and wax poetic on the many ways that failure is imminent?
Here’s what most of those get-rich-quick books, guides on becoming successful, and self-empowerment workshops don’t often tell you: sometimes what’s holding you back from rising to the highest level of your potential is not what you’re doing, what you’re eating, what you’re reading, or even what you’re thinking; it’s the people you’re surrounded by, the ones who form your community.
I’m talking about the relatives who insist on serving you the slice of red velvet cake that you’d just politely declined because you’re on a diet. Instead of cheering you on and encouraging you to reach your goal, they do everything possible to sabotage it.
I’m talking about the friends who belittle your big ideas by presenting a litany of possible problems and limitations.
Let’s say you want to start a cupcake business because baking has been your passion since you were a teenager. You share the idea with a friend or two. Instead of mirroring your excitement, they offer a forced smile, and comments like:“Your kitchen is too small.” “It’s one thing to bake for family, it’s another to try to do it professionally.” “Don’t people go to culinary school for that?” “Do you know how many small business owners go bankrupt every year?” “The bank probably won’t give you start-up loan.” “You want to do what? At your age?”
And definitely let it not be an artistic pursuit like, say, writing because you’ll definitely hear things like: “Why not choose something more practical?” “Stop being childish.”“Most writers don’t get published or make any money from their writing.” “But this is not a real profession.” “Have you thought about how you’re going to put food on the table?” “It just seems like a waste of time.” “You want to do what? At your age?”
The dismissive comments and questions will continue to come each one piercing your confidence like a rock, an arrow, a bullet until your excitement has turned to anxiety, and your certainty has turned to self-doubt. You start to question your own motives and abilities, incorrectly surmising that you are not enough and, then, you stop talking about your idea, stop thinking about it, and just quietly give up.
Those people are dream-killers. What makes them especially dangerous is that they are usually your relatives and closest friends, people in whom you confide and around whom you let down your armour of defence. Theirs are voices that can easily be internalised. This means they are well-positioned to do maximum damage.
As if dream-killers aren’t bad enough, there’s a strong likelihood that you’re also surrounded by one or two soul-crushers. Unlike dream-killers, they do not directly attack your goals and aspirations. Soul-crushers go straight for the jugular. They are people who attempt to dim your light, the very source of your joy in this world, often by making you feel as though your authenticity whatever it is that makes you you is a flaw.
To hear them tell it, you are either too “something” too flamboyant, too dull, too loud, too quiet, too ambitious, too settled, too eager, too disinterested or simply not enough.
The one thing we all crave is love and acceptance, especially from those who are closest to us. So once you’ve absorbed the lies; once you believe that you are, indeed, flawed, you will start trying to change. You will hide, and maybe even learn to hate, the very parts of yourself that make you unique, authentically you.
Why do they do this, the dream-killers and the soul-crushers? Why do they block a person’s ascension, deliberately sow seeds of insecurity and self-doubt?
Because they are basic people and I am absolutely using “basic” as a pejorative. They are people who are unoriginal, uninspired and, almost always, afraid. Afraid of what? Who knows?! Afraid of success or maybe failure; afraid of change; afraid of their own potential; afraid of being left behind.
So there they are, standing still in their fear, bereft of talent or skill or ideas or inspiration or opportunity or courage, or maybe some combination of all of these. Then here you come, full of passion, purpose, determination, artistry, and energy. This is the perfect recipe for envy and, its resulting behaviour, sabotage.
You see, your successes only amplify their failures. Your forward motion calls attention to their stagnation. This is not to say that these individuals have no successes in their own lives. They may be your boss, your client or mentor, a friend or relative you looked up to, someone whose life you once emulated.
None of that matters. Everyone defines and experiences success in a different way. Because of this, you can fool yourself into thinking that certain people can’t be envious of you because they’re successful and you’re not, or they have so much and you have nothing. That’s because you haven’t yet learned to identify or value your strengths and talents. But they have. In fact, they can identify in you the very things that they know they lack within themselves, the talents and capabilities that will ultimately enable you to accomplish something that they have not. It might even be the case that those individuals are using your talents and capabilities to help them accomplish their own goals; so, your pursuit of your own dreams is not in their best interest.
Here’s an example:
You are a brilliant songwriter. You’ve been churning out song after song for a pop star. Okay, maybe the word “star” is a stretch. The pop star can sing, but their range is limited, and they can’t write. Lucky for them, your songs are an exact fit for their voice, and now that you’ve started working together, their brand is growing in popularity. You’ve broken into the top 100, but only as far as the 90s.
Quiet as it’s kept, you’d also like to sing and release songs. You’ve been playing in cafés, coffeehouses, and small troubadour joints. The audiences love your voice, which is a potent mixture of Nina Simone, Leonard Cohen, and india.arie. You know you can sing, but you have no idea just how unique and special your vocal talent is. The songs you write for yourself are folksy, socially conscious, not the vapid ballads and other bubble-gum songs you write for the pop who, by the way, always rewrites a single line of a single verse in each of the songs in order to get credit as co-songwriter.
One day you work up the nerve to give the pop star your demo, thinking they’ll fall in love with it and connect you with someone who can give you a record deal. It’s got three of your best songs on it. Though you usually hate listening to your recorded voice being played back, you actually love how you sound on those three songs. You watch as the pop star listens, poker-faced, then turns to you and says, “This isn’t half bad. Not bad at all. But…your voice has got a little too much gravel, and it breaks a lot. Maybe take lessons for a year or two. Or…you can just focus on writing. I mean, we’re on a roll. Oh, and those songs, they’re deep. Are they covers or did you write them? I wouldn’t mind recording them.”
I’m not sure why many of us feel the need to get permission or some sort of affirmation from the people in our lives before chasing our dreams, but the truth of the matter is that the moment we ask for it, we give those people too much power. They now have as much power to disparage and destroy our dreams as they do to inspire and encourage us to pursue them.
I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t trust anyone, or ask for advice and guidance. What I am saying is that you should be careful who you trust. You should be careful about the advice you choose to take. The human spirit your human spirit can be beautifully strong, yet it can also be curiously fragile. You should be aware that when you share your goals, your dreams, your fears and insecurities with others, if they are dream-killers, they can, either purposely or unwittingly, break your spirit. As for the soul-crushers, that is their ultimate goal.
Distance yourself from all of them.
I get it: they’re your longtime friends, they’re your family members or significant other, and you love them. Even so, love yourself more. Love yourself enough to choose yourself, to choose your dreams and your authenticity. Honestly, it’s not as difficult as it initially seems; once they are out of your orbit, you’ll look back at that act of distancing, and it will feel like a no-brainer.
Envy is a dangerous emotion; it seeks to destroy, to break down, to erase and do away with. Nobody who envies you means you well. Not everyone is meant to travel in lockstep with us from the beginning until the end. Leave them to their journey, with all its challenges, as you embark upon yours.
Who you are is enough. It always has been, and it always will be. Don’t let anybody gaslight you into hating yourself. That light inside of you, it is your authenticity; it is the source of everything that makes you who you are. It is your internal lodestar; it will guide you to your destiny, a reality in which you do lots and lots of truly epic shit, a reality in which you shine brightly.
So do yourself a huge favour and step away from those people who want to keep you firmly planted exactly where you are; step away from that by-force slice of red velvet cake and crush that diet, start that cupcake business, write that novel, and sing your songs to all who will listen. Step away from all the nay-sayers and walk into the wondrous future that’s awaiting you.
About the Author
